In his own humble opinion, Michael Normanton is a jack of all trades, and a master of them all too. From medical science to football coaching, via roof repairs, acting, and the music of Half Man Half Biscuit — he (thinks he) knows it all. That’s why he’s our very own agony aunt, our Problem Chimp, answering questions put to him by TSB+ members and imparting his unique brand of wisdom on the world.

Dear Problem Chimp, after a recent medical diagnosis I may have to start watching Leeds sober. Any advice on how to make the experience less painful, especially when going a goal down and watching Leeds try to break down an inevitable low block?
-alienbumnote

Back in 2009 I was in my mid twenties, unmarried, no kids, and getting happily pissed before each and every Leeds game. For some reason I decided that rather than have a nice time with my friends before games I would stand in the Lowfields Tunnel and sell a magazine to ever-dwindling crowds of increasingly annoyed Leeds fans. Bates, GFH, Cellino, Rachubka, Warnock, Hockaday, Hecky. I did them all sober. Was it fun? God, no. You just get used to it. On the plus side, going to bed sober after a Leeds defeat means it can be somewhat out of your system by the morning. A hazy recollection of a home defeat with some Giuseppe Bellusci beer-fear would probably have been worse.

Are Costco Kirkland AA batteries worth the saving vs buying more expensive Duracell?
-King of Spain

In my house, I try to hide the fact that proper brands exist. As a result my kids think Kirkland is essentially the crème de la crème of everything, other than clothing and mugs (thesquareball.net for those). I was a long-time advocate of the Kirkland batteries and for a normal user they’re very solid. However, I learned that kids will never turn a single bloody thing off and I couldn’t deal with the heartbreak of finding them drained. I switched to rechargeables several years ago and haven’t looked back. Eneloop or the ones from Ikea are pretty good. Saving the planet too, right? Only joking, it’s fucked either way. But at least I’m saving money. ⬢

This article is from issue three of The Square Ball magazine. Get your copy here.