Reasons to be cheerful: Emi Martinez’s hips & Ole Solskjaer’s excuses

Just because Leeds United are denying us the pleasure of victory doesn’t mean we should deny ourselves the pleasure of laughing at the rest of the Premier League.

Four other teams are still chasing an elusive first league win of the campaign, and Leeds are better than all of them, so we’ll be fine. Looking further up the table hardly reveals a competition of clubs with their shit smugly together, either. Spurs fans have gone from lauding August’s Manager of the Month to wondering how quickly they can sack him. They’re in mid-table with neighbours and fellow Super League delusionists Arsenal, currently enjoying the same fluctuation in reverse, when we all know it’s only a matter of time before they’re calling Mikel Arteta a terrorist again. Pep Guardiola is trying to start fights with his own fans. Jurgen Klopp is trying to start fights with everyone. Wanting Leeds players to score a few more goals feels easy to fix compared to this grand scheme of things.

But if we need a dose of schadenfreude to clear our weekend blues, look no further than our old mates over the Pennines in Salford. Since the start of the pandemic, Scum have a higher net spend on transfers than any other club in the world, yet still the best Ole Gunnar Solskjaer can muster is some crackpot excuse about his side needing more penalties, even though 10 per cent of all penalties awarded in the Premier League last season were given to Manchester United. Solskjaer really is determined to live up to Fergie’s legacy, even if he’s too scared to park in his old spot at the training ground.

That made it all the sweeter when Scum were given a stoppage-time penalty against Aston Villa, minutes after conceding from a late corner. Step forward the hero of the weekend, Emi Martinez. In July 2020, Phil Hay tweeted Leeds ‘liked’ Martinez amid speculation about a potential bid. Now I know why. As Bruno Fernandes was waiting to take the penalty, Martinez was pointing out that Cristiano Ronaldo might do a better job. As a man who loves nothing more than to score easy goals while running as little as possible, Ronaldo was no doubt desperate to absorb the adulation for an equaliser at the death, but he was putting on a brave face as Fernandes tried his best to clear the Stretford End. Martinez didn’t need to get his gloves dirty but celebrated anyway by wiggling his hips in front of the home fans, some of the best Scum-baiting I’ve seen since Richard Naylor kicked Wayne Rooney so perfectly in the shins his hair fell off.

Emiliano Martinez Challenged Cristiano Ronaldo !!!#Martinez #Messi pic.twitter.com/PunISodRyi

— arbaz qaiser (@QaiserArbaz) September 25, 2021

While Villa fans were joyously recreating Ronaldo’s celebration outside Old Trafford, Solskjaer was desperately trying to find a new excuse. I’d turned to the BBC’s live blog for a cheap laugh, finding Solskjaer there being asked about Villa players surrounding Fernandes before the penalty. “I wasn’t going to mention it but it’s not right that they do that,” he whined. “I guess that should be a yellow card for someone but they have achieved what they wanted.” It’s weird he wasn’t going to mention it, because I scrolled back four minutes, and then he was saying in a different interview, “First of all the way they get round the penalty spot, get round Bruno and that, that’s not to my liking.” Moaning about a potential offside when Villa scored, Solskjaer added, “I just can’t see the consistency.” Me neither, Ole.

There will be some Leeds fans thinking we shouldn’t be crowing about this, given our defeat to West Ham followed a couple of hours later. Sure, it would’ve been better if Michail Antonio hadn’t stolen three points or if Andrea Radrizanni and Angus Kinnear weren’t being so cringe (they’re not panicking, honest, just shut up about it). But Emi Martinez gave us a fine example of how football is as much about the misery of others as it is about joy for ourselves. Plus, as good as Martinez was, he’s still no Illan Meslier. ◉