American Pride

Yes, I can assure you I am. No, I’d never lie to you about this. I feel it from the very base of my heart. There’s nothing else in the world I’m more sure of, actually. I swear. Double promise. Pinkies, if you’re into that. I’d never break one of those. I really am very proud of you, Jesse Marsch.

Canada trounced Qatar last night, with the new hosts beating the old hosts to a pulp like some sort of dystopian Come Dine With Me. Former Leeds hero Marsch has taken charge over Canada’s first two games of this World Cup, the first a score-draw with Edin Dzeko’s Bosnia and the second beginning with a rather befitting display of Marschness.

In the week leading up to Canada’s opener, Marsch, quelle surprise — as they say in Quebec — did another interview. He spoke about his usual ability to turn a dressing room into a driving force for success, and detailed that, when in the US set up, he had to “beg players to sing the national anthem”. Jesse began last night’s game, shoulder to shoulder with his staff like the four lads in jeans, screaming “Oh Canada!” from the very top of his very American lungs.

Once the ball started moving, it didn’t take long for it to end up in the back of the Qatar net. A Canada corner lands at the feet of a Qatari defender, who swings his weak foot so that the ball skims off it, rolling to the edge of the box. Sassuolo midfielder Ismaël Koné collects it and turns to the right wing, despite Coach’s instructions. Their number 20 fizzes it forward to the full-back Alistair Johnson, who sounds like a panellist on Question Time, to battle through some bodies and lob it to the back post. Jonathan David meets it there, slapping a volley into the ‘keeper’s palms and into the path of Cyle Larin. The Southampton man slides in, bundling the ball over the line and himself over to the corner flag to cover his ears, presumably because he doesn’t want to hear any more Ghandi quotes.

Unfortunately for Larin, then came the hydration break and out came the whiteboard. Jesse Watch took some inference here, I’ll be honest, as it was quite difficult to make out the message he was trying to convey. The whiteboard was filled with little red and yellow magnets, so I’m left to assume it was the classic American debate of mustard vs ketchup, and Jesse had his players hydrating on Mountain Dew and root beer. Football tactics, but imagine a burger.

Canada right-winger Tajon Buchanan was the stand-out player of the night and easily the team’s biggest creative threat. It seems only a matter of time before he’s played at wing-back to take long throws, but when he picks up the ball in the middle of the park his tunnel vision has a goal at the end of it. He turns right, quickly dragging it to his left foot and around the Qatar midfielder before he shapes to shoot, but the attempt is blocked and rebounded into the air. Jonathan David is in the right place again to catch it, and this time wellies it past the ‘keeper’s hands and into the bottom right corner. 2-0.

Before the highlights package had time to film the replays, Ismaël Koné had lofted a gorgeous through ball over the top for David. His chest propped it up, but his shoulder was clipped by the opposition centre back and the striker collapsed. The referee awarded a free-kick and red card, sending Homam Ahmed to go prepare for the Bosnia game. Marsch celebrated in his usually inscrutable fashion, sidestep-stabbing the air like some sort of kung-fu crab. The free-kick was sent over, and the fruit ninja on the sidelines went and sat down.

The third goal came in the minutes before the break, where another Alistair Johnson cross was flapped at by the ‘keeper and Jonathan David had an easy second goal. Half time was called and Marsch pulled his players in to celebrate all of the moments so far. His team were battering the 58th best team in the world and, for a moment, it was easy to enjoy Marsch’s success. Letting the famously lovely Canadians kick sportswashing up the arse, whilst being one of the positive aspects of another sportswashing attempt at a World Cup, felt like football finally had the chance to fight back at its Dad.

After the promising Koné had his leg snapped in half Harvey Elliot style, Assim Madibo was shown red and Canada faced a nine-man Qatar team for the majority of the second half. Another foul from the Qatar defence gave the stopper an extra opportunity to pull his own pants down on the world stage. The free-kick was indescribable, not because of some otherworldly skill or prowess, but because he literally just kicked it into the fucking net. The goalkeeper dived somewhere near it, wrists as weak as Stephen Hawking’s ankles, and it bounced off the post for four.

Look, we’re all adults here. If we’re not, click off before I swear more. Obviously, it’s impressive to score four goals in a country’s first ever World Cup win. It makes sense, then, that scoring a fifth would be even more impressive. Somehow, though, this one didn’t quite feel that way, as the ball scuttled around the box and bounced in right off the big elephant stood in the corner of the pitch.

We’ve given Marsch enough credit for the goals leading up to this, so I’m afraid I’ve got to address it now. Qatar are horrendously, hilariously, generationally toss.

Julen Lopetegui was handed more tax-free cash than an ITV competition to pretend they wouldn’t be and, after getting no points in their first ever tournament in 2022, the team look no better prepared the second time around. Well done Jesse, I told you I’m proud, but it’s hard to look past him playing the national equivalent of the shit kid who gets picked because his Dad’s in charge. Well, after Daddy Gianni Infantino watched the shit kid volley it into his own net, Canada found David alone in the box with the space to walk a few steps and secure a World Cup hattrick. Maybe Victor’s vision of a David and Jesse partnership wasn’t too far off.

A Noah Okafor-less Switzerland beat Bosnia 4-1 last night, too, sticking them on four points alongside the Canadians. It’ll be a battle for top spot and the chance to play one of the tournament’s best third-placed teams.

"Stephen I'm telling you now i disagree completely."

Alan Cawley and Stephen Kelly have a disagreement on some of Jesse Marsch's post-match antics.

Watch all 104 games from the #FIFAWorldCup on RTÉ pic.twitter.com/Dvhl2jMSvc

— RTÉ Sport (@RTEsport) June 19, 2026

You can only imagine how excellent it must feel to be Mr Jesse Marsch this morning, even if former Leeds United academy player Alan Cawley had other things to say on RTE’s coverage. Waking up, slipping on your grey jeans and planting one foot either side of your bathroom for your daily affirmations. “You’re great, Jesse. You’re strong, Jesse. Those douchebags in Leeds don’t know what they lost, Jesse.” And you know, for the first time in a long time, Mr Marsch might just be right. YEEEEEHAW!

(Image by The Canadian Press, via Alamy)