Leeds United’s best free transfers since Harry Wilson was born

A bloke on Broadway once said that the best things in life are free, and I can see where he may have a point. Love doesn’t cost a penny, happiness can’t be bought and the Lidl bakery can’t charge me if I’ve already eaten it. Sometimes, though, the offer is simply too good to be true. With Harry Wilson finally welcomed into Elland Road without a dime swapping hands, let’s have a look back, and see if even nothing is too much. Here are the best free transfers since Harry Wilson was born.

Of course, it’s too early to decide whether Harry himself should make this list. He’s joined after a failed attempt last year, after which he instead went on to have his best season ever, scoring ten Premier League goals, which is more than anyone in the Leeds squad other than the next person on the sheet. The obvious downside being, of course, that he’s as Scouse as he is Welsh, but what can’t be changed must be forgiven. I’m sure someone on Broadway probably said that too. It might be well worth our time in trying to sell him straight away so he rocks up and scores eleven goals. Fuck it.

The bloke who scored more than Hazza was Dominic Calvert-Lewin. He arrived without much glee from the majority of the fanbase, did a couple of Instagram comments about choosing Leeds and immediately won us all over. Undoubtedly an excellent signing, and probably a better idea than spunking £40m up the wall on Rodrigo Muniz, in hindsight. The striker will hopefully start for Leeds again next season, and prove yet again that being a big bastard is the best way forward.

What links two South Africans, Simon Grayson and the plight of western civilisation? Davide Somma, obviously. When Somma did his ACL in pre-season of 2011, he did what any rational, media-trained footballer would do. Open Twitter, tell everybody you’re fucked, close Twitter. The subsequent meltdown forced Grayson to ban the whole squad from any social posting for the remainder of the season. Eleven years later, everybody’s favourite cuck Elon Musk bought the app, gave us more Nazi AI Porn than one could possibly consume — and Lord knows I’ve tried — and ruined the brains of teenagers across the western world. Maybe Somma knew what was coming.

I should probably spend a couple of minutes talking about how brilliant Pascal Struijk was but I’m still a little bit sad and a big bit bitter, so fuck him. Bring me Brian Deane.

Deano signed back for the Whites when we got relegated from the top division, scored four goals when we beat QPR 6-1 and two goals in the other thirty games. Considering he was a record signing in his first stint and free in his second, maybe the two can balance out. Deano grew up in Chapeltown, too, so managing anything other than having your bike nicked is a win for me.

Pablo Hernandez came to Leeds after a few seasons in Qatar, first joining on loan and then turning up full time. The fee was ‘undisclosed’, which is presumably the same answer given when trying to sell that stolen bike. There’s been no better or more influential player for Leeds since Pablo joined, and nobody who looked more like they’d seen a disturbing vision of their own future. Surprisingly, it’s his goal against Reading, in that little five-win run before the Covid break, that sticks most firmly in my memory. The ball was trapped underneath him in the box, defenders stabbing and jabbing, and he managed to navigate his boot to the opposite side of the ball, dig it out and into space, then poke it into the top corner, all before anyone could swing it clear. You’ve got to say, after five years and a promotion, he’s probably the Leeds player with the most dogs named after him.

I’m not a religious man, but my mother would be proud that I’m always keeping Jesus with me. That’s because I can’t escape him, as the bloke who shows up in every advert or TV programme this side of his crucifixion has also made this list. David Prutton didn’t cost us any money, but did play a vital role in getting to Wembley once. Plus, he made RE lessons much more entertaining.

In all of Leeds’ recent history, there’s probably nobody more iconic as Some Cunt on a Free. Born on the 13th of September 2018 and dead to me as soon as Phil left us, Some Cunt on a Free helped to reimagine what it means to be a little bald Scotsman.

I’m going to wager that the impact of “some cunt on a free” might not be huge

— Phil Hay (@PhilHay_) September 13, 2018

I’m running out of both time and interest here, so I won’t include all of Andy Gray. He was a solid player, indeed, and played his part at a time when Leeds were mostly shit. His biggest impact, though, comes from his crotch. Andy produced both Harry and Archie Gray. Archie Gray made his mark in the first team and finally let me drop the belief that I might still be young enough to make it as a footballer. As a loan to Sheffield Wednesday has been confirmed for Harry, though, maybe there’s life in this young dog yet.

Jermaine Beckford has probably earned more money talking about the fact that he was a free transfer than Leeds ever had to pay him to be one. He’s the only player on this list who can actually claim to be free, given that his signing bonus will have been no more than clearing out his work van. Signing from the RAC to score the winner against Scum, Beckford’s biggest achievement is kickstarting The Square Ball Podcast, though he hasn’t admitted it quite yet.

Leeds United have had their fair share of financial illiteracy over the years, but even Peter Ridsdale couldn’t lose money on a freebie. With Harry Wilson the next one on the list, let’s hope the tricky little Welshman can produce some bang for no buck. ⬢