The Square Ball Guide to the 2026 World Cup

Last weekend, I found a match worn Martin Hiden shirt at a vintage fair, and the question struck me: who the fuck is buying a match worn Martin Hiden shirt at a vintage fair? Well, the answer, dear reader, is quite simple.

Picture the scene: balmy summer’s evening, zesty beverage in hand. You’re a Leeds fan, watching the ‘26 World Cup and desperately trying to muster up enough of a monkey’s to make it worthwhile. So you slip on your match worn Martin Hiden shirt from the vintage fair, collect your mates, and are supporting Austria in their valiant pursuit of glory.

Stick my life on a season review DVD and international football doesn’t even make the voiceover. Aside from a few moments of Robbie Brady supremacy, I care as much about international football as Kanye West cares about Hanukkah. But the World Cup’s coming up, and football is the only thing I can remain socially stable with, so here’s the TSB Guide to the 2026 World Cup.

Let’s kick it off with the hosts of the competition — Canada. Aside from the obvious, they’ve got a few fun faces who you might know from spending too much time on WACCOE threads. Up front for the maple boys is Jonathan David, a long-since link who lit up Lille and dimmed at Juventus. Next to him is Promise David, who says he isn’t Jonathan’s brother, and I’m led to believe he’d never break that trust. They’ve also got Liam Millar, the hateful spiky haired winger who once gave Archie Gray a hard time at Preston and is now at ‘Premier League Hull’. And then you’ve got the obvious: Jesse Marsch. While it might not be in your best interest to support them, I’d certainly recommend having a watch — if only for the laugh of their somewhat familiar approach to defending.

Eldor Shomurodov missed multiple sitters against Canada tonight, squandering chance after chance as Uzbekistan fell 1-0.

Sources say head coach Fabio Cannavaro is seriously considering dropping the captain for the World Cup.
Can Uzbekistan afford to go without their star… pic.twitter.com/dQrvmaRfBk

— B.C Sports Focus🇨🇦⚽️🏀🥊🏈 (@BCsportsf24) June 2, 2026

Then there’s the FIFA mandated hosts — the ‘Muricans. Sportswashing the loudest country on the planet is a hilarious concept, and feels like the football equivalent of trying to cover your projectile diarrhoea screams with a polite cough. The rest of the office can hear you crying. Just accept it. They’ve got the prideful Tyler Adams, the portly Weston McKennie and our very own twink Brenden Aaronson. He’s only recently married though, so that’s probably enough fun for one summer.

Mexico — The other host nation play South Africa in the opening game of the tournament. Sam Rodon’s got a Mexico flag in his Instagram bio, for some reason. It’s alongside a Welsh flag — understandable — and an Italian one, presumably because his favourite food is pizza. There’s also the emojis for a bat and a drop of blood, so maybe he’s got rabies. Either way, Mexico are the righteous hosts of the competition and have selected the omnipresent Guillermo Ochoa in net once again, who even we can’t find a reason to dislike.

Cape Verde, Jordan and Uzbekistan — They’re all making their World Cup debuts. Uzbekistan haven’t had any Leeds in their ranks ever before, so they’re a write-off from the jump. Jordan probably plays for Bournemouth and Cape Verde aren’t even a superhero. Let’s keep looking.

Curacao — The only debutant in with a shot of rallying some support. The mighty Curacao, who are the smallest nation ever to qualify, boast Vurnon Anita as their star man. He’s not made the squad, since he’s 37 and undoubtedly shit, but he did once, and that’s what matters.

Ivory Coast — Max Gradel is my favourite ever Leeds player and captained the side to the 2023 AFCON title, beating Nigeria 2-1 in the final. Yan Diomande, the rapid youngster who replaced the retired Gradel in the squad, is being labelled as Mo Salah’s replacement at Liverpool, so it could be worth bagging the “he looks good” calls in early, just so you can make it known that you scouted him.

Austria — You’re already wearing the shirt, so why not? Well, Marko Arnautovic is reason enough for me. In a match vs North Macedonia in Euro 2020, the former West Ham shithouse was awfully mean to the precious and joyful Gjanni Alioski. The poor creature had no idea what being mean even was, and Arnautovic still did it to him. It’s like teaching a child about 9/11 by blowing up their Lego set.

Uruguay — Where Marcelo Bielsa is involved, there’s often little reason to look away. El Loco hasn’t had the easiest time in charge of La Celeste since he arrived there, but we know more than most that he can flick a switch and turn it on when need be. They’ve got Real Madrid’s Fede Valverde in midfield, who was linked with Leeds back in his younger days. Thank God Victor Orta was in charge, or we might’ve ended up signing him. They’ve also got Rodrigo Zalazar in their squad, who hasn’t got anything to do with Leeds but is a bloody good player and sounds like a Power Rangers villain. They’ve got my vote.

Germany — It’s obvious, isn’t it? Cancel your plans and get scribbling in your schedules, there’s a summer of Nadiem Amiri hatewatching to organise. The scummy little fool was set to sign for Leeds and spent half an hour on Briggate before changing his mind and being told to book his own flight back to Germany. Baffling. What’s not to love about 16-year-olds chopping up cocaine on bin lids outside Space? How do you say no to the prospect of getting run over by a Deliveroo driver on a bicycle? Never wanted him anyway.

Japan and Brazil — You might think that I joined these two unrelated nations together because I’m a lazy, dribbling oaf. But you’d be wrong, so don’t be so rude. In reality, these two are very similar where it matters. Both teams have glorious football kits, both teams have a player I love more than life, and both teams have quite the chance of progressing in the tournament, though probably not winning it. Ao Tanaka and Raphinha are the stars of these shows, and both of them have faces I’d love to see smiling underneath a big golden trophy. Willy Gnonto is probably supporting Japan, too, since Italy didn’t make it and that’s where he goes on holiday.

There’s Sweden, for the glorious Gabriel Gudmundsson, but Victor Gyokeres is a smug prick so I can’t get behind them. Croatia are there, and that’s where Mark Viduka owns a cafe. It’s tenuous, admittedly, but who cares? Haiti have taken Wolves’ Bellegarde, who was in the wall when Stach stuck it top bins from thirty yards. The Swiss have finally made up with Noah Okafor, but I think a mug is enough support for him already this summer. Thomas Christiansen is in charge of Panama, but all they’re famous for is having a canal. So does Armley, so what?

The World Cup is a difficult time for those of us who only care about what happens in LS11, but whether it’s Ao Tanaka, Sam Rodon or Martin Hiden, there’s always a way to be Leeds. ⬢