The Leeds United shirt now resembles that of a 19-year-old on Call Lane on a Saturday night. It’s absolutely covered in Red Bull. Obviously, that isn’t ideal. Their track record suggests that in exchange for their sponsorship they ask merely for the very soul of the club. But I’m told that shiny new number tens cost money, and that has to come from somewhere.

One of my favourite elements of last season — a season of turmoil and ultimately, failure — was the Flamingo Land sleeve sponsorship. Not only was it very The Championship™ — if you’re going to be in the second tier you should at least commit to it, in my opinion — but it also produced one of the best videos to come out of the campaign.

In some ways it harkened back to a bygone era when Billy Bremner could be found advertising Bisto gravy with his wife, or Norman Hunter hawking Jelly Babies with the slightly surreal and yet entirely appropriate line, “I bite legs, Bertie.” In the seventies, several members of the LUFC squad were emblazoned on packs of Birdseye beef burgers. Sure.

Unappealing beef burgers, some very poor quality graphic art, and some hard-to-distinguish* Leeds United players in Birdseye’s 1974 ‘Spot the Ball’ competition:

*Johnny Giles and A.N. Other seem to have their heads attached on a 45 degree angle. pic.twitter.com/qF6CkeaP04

— ???????????????????? ???????????????????????????????????? (@Saint_Vespaluus) May 29, 2022

Other Leeds superstars have had less official partnerships. There is absolutely no evidence that Jack Charlton was being paid by Guinness during his tenure as manager of the Republic of Ireland, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t push it hard. John Aldridge claims that Big Jack would admonish any coke drinkers he clocked around the training ground with the pithy remark, “What are you drinking that shit for? Guinness is better for you.”

That was old school sponsorship. Nowadays players tend to work with luxury watch and clothing brands. It’s, frankly, boring. But what if we rolled it back, what are the brand synergies and dynamic partnerships in the Leeds United squad just waiting to be unlocked?

Ethan Ampadu & Joe Rodon — Osprey Backpacks

A crucial, if initially improvised, moment of last season was when Ethan Ampadu took a step back from midfield and into the heart of Leeds’ defence. He brought a sense of calm and consistency not just to the defence but to the whole team.

Especially when he was paired with his mate and yours, Joe Rodon. Rodon often brings a sense of adventure to Leeds’ backline, carrying the ball out into the great unknown of a Championship midfield.

Together, they are an absolutely perfect combination to promote Osprey Backpacks. The kind of backpack your dad (or you, as a dad) would buy. He (or you), thinks that Patagonia is a bit flash and not worth the money, but he does believe in quality when you’re out in the wilderness, so he’s not going to buy something off the market either. This backpack will be dug out of the garage, filled with ephemera, and the family packed off to get some bracing fresh air. Because it’s good for you. Because you should take some risks sometimes. Because you should live life.

Joe and Ethan. Safety and adventure. Osprey Backpacks.

Pascal Struijk — Hinge

This is low hanging fruit and doesn’t require much explanation.

Obviously, as a footballer, he would probably be on the more exclusive Raya. But as a man who came in on a free and has stayed through the good times and the bad without much speculation of a departure, he would go for this.

Are you telling me you wouldn’t download an app to pointlessly scroll, swipe and read about people’s perfect sundays (walk, roast, F1) just for the chance, the vain hope, that this man might be on there?

Joel Piroe — Twitter

It used to be good before it changed hands. Cheap shot. Sorry.

Wilf Gnonto — Barclays

No, not because he’s a Barclaysman, although he does possess many of the traits of a Barclaysman — a mercurial talent who plays in flashes and has scored plenty of goals that would belong in a montage (yes I am thinking about that Cardiff goal).

No, instead it’s because Willy Gnonto, like Barclays, has a big debt to repay to society. Yes okay, his selfishness didn’t precipitate a worldwide financial meltdown, but it did make us lose 1-0 to Birmingham.

And much like Barclays, he has been largely insulated from the consequences of his actions. The former received a huge government bailout. The latter has largely been forgiven by the Elland Road faithful because, well, he’s quite good.

Dan James — Peugeot 209

It has all the obvious associations you might want: small, nippy, agile. And as far as I know, ‘consistent end product’ isn’t something prospective Peugeot 209 purchasers are particularly looking for from their new set of wheels.

But it goes deeper than that. I can’t really explain it, but Dan James just has the kind of cheeky face that the marketing of this car requires.

He might nick a pack of chewing gum from Tesco*, but he’d help Maureen down the road home with her shopping.

The point is that in another life, where he doesn’t earn 50 grand a week, Dan James drives a Peugeot 209. And you should too.

*For legal reasons I am required to point out here that Daniel James has never, at least to my knowledge, stolen anything from Tesco Supermarkets PLC.

There’s much synergy here, and hopefully quite a bit of cash for that number 10. These partnerships are the only way to prevent a Red Bull takeover of Leeds United, so please, start tagging players and brands on Twitter. Let’s really get things moving. ⬢