So you made it through the international break. Don’t worry, real football will be back soon.

For most football fans the international break is an unwelcome interruption to the real business of actual football. Some players might even agree, choosing to pull their hamstring just the perfect amount to earn them an eight-day recovery period in Dubai. For others though, it’s a chance to represent the place that raised you, to celebrate the people that created the incredible athlete that now stands atop the footballing world. And that’s all lovely.

Some countries won, and some lost. Largely this is a function of the size of their population and their GDP per capita. But how good are these places really? Would you really want to live there? Which current Leeds player’s childhood hometown are you most jealous of? Let’s dive in.

Mateo Joseph — Santander/Barcelona

Somehow I can’t really talk about Mateo Joseph’s birthplace without imagining myself in a crossover episode of Premier League Years and Place in the Sun.

*Georgie Thompson Voice*: Mateo Joseph might have been struggling in front of goal for Leeds United in recent weeks, but he certainly scored when it comes to his birthplace. Santander, capital of the autonomous community of Cantabria has been settled since at least Roman times — and you can see why! Miles of gorgeous beaches, an old town bursting with life and flavour, and a temperate climate that averages between 17 and 22 degrees in July. This week professional footballer Mateo has a budget of £3m — you might be surprised what he can afford in this part of the world!

Joseph actually grew up in Escobedo de Camargo, a tiny farming village with a population of just over 1,000 people about ten miles outside Santander. Football facilities were limited, according to the man himself: “There was a pitch with stones, it wasn’t grass, so there were no slide tackles.” It also appears this field, where a young Mateo trained, was in a place populated with some fairly eccentric locals. “We would train next to the animals. You could see the farm and they put pop music on for the cows. I don’t know why, maybe to help them concentrate.” Perhaps the solution to Joseph’s goal drought is Kop Kat on the touchline with a boombox. All my [striker’s] instincts, they return.

Escobedo de Camargo is also just down the road from El Pendo Cave, which features some of the most impressive Paleolithic cave paintings in the world. Pretty cool if you’re into that sort of thing. Racing Santander are currently top of the Segunda Division as well. Imagine it, it’d be like being Sunderland, except you wouldn’t be Sunderland.

Joseph moved to Barcelona to play for Espanyol when he was 13. I’ll let him speak for himself on this one: “Barcelona is more complete but Leeds has that tranquillity Barcelona doesn’t have. At the same time, Leeds doesn’t have the same lifestyle as Barcelona. Let’s not fool ourselves.”

Ilia Gruev — Sofia

“Liam liked the city, he liked the good weather, which he doesn’t have in England.” That’s CSKA Sofia technical director Filip Filipov speaking after Cooper made the switch from Elland Road to Bulgaria last summer. All I would say to Filip is that, yes, I’m sure the summer transfer window weather in Sofia is lovely, but the city’s lowest ever recorded temperature is -31.2 degrees, which does sound less pleasant. That said, the winter’s probably not all bad, offering the chance to ski on Vitosha, a mountain which towers over the city.

Apparently, locals start their day drinking Boza — a 1% abv fermented wheat drink — which they love, and all foreigners hate. Would the Bulgarian’s passing be slightly more adventurous if we let him start matchdays with a couple of small ones? Could a boza or two free him from the shackles of Daniel Farke’s tactics? It’s not for me to say.

For later in the day, Resident Advisor suggests the city has a pretty thriving techno scene. There is no limit to the amount of money I would pay to go to a night called ‘4 СТАИ with DJ Assault’ at Club DOM with Liam Cooper, Ilia Gruev and Stilyan Petrov.

If it’s good enough for Coops, then it’s good enough for me. Sofia gets the thumbs up.

Isaac Schmidt — Lausanne

I don’t know exactly what’s going on with Leeds United’s scouting, but I will say that plenty of our signings in recent years come from places I would love to go on holiday. Schmidt is no exception, hailing originally from Lausanne. Maybe the recent reshuffles in Leeds United’s recruitment team speak to a department that had got slightly too free with the expense account. “The Alps again is it, Jordan?” “Yes, Gretar, some very very interesting players up there. Will you be joining me?”

As a bigger city, it perhaps lacks the isolated charm of Willy Gnonto’s Verbania, but then again it has a train station and you can probably nip to the shops for a Kit Kat after 11pm.

Ao Tanaka — Tokyo(ish)

If I were to move to Tokyo, I imagine it would be like a player from Serie B moving to the Premier League. A real culture shock. I can just imagine myself, hustled and harried from every angle, blinded by a whirlwind of light and sound, before finally scuttling down into the Tokyo Metro to get quite shoved onto a train, all the while hearing in my head Jamie Carragher’s punditry on my performance. “He’s just got to get used to the pace and power of this league. If we stop it there, he’s got caught on it again. Why is he just standing there? That’s happened too many times today. You’d like to think he’ll get up to speed, but he needs to get there quickly.”

Tanaka was actually born in a city called Kawasaki, which also produced Brighton winger Kaoru Mitoma. It’s all part of Greater Tokyo though, so I’m going with Tokyo. It’s striking that this area also produced Mitoma. Maybe there’s something about being part of this huge urban agglomeration that means suddenly the chaos of a Championship midfield elicits a mere shrug.

Tokyo is the biggest city in the world. There are 41 million people there. The entire city is backdropped by a nearly 4,000m tall dormant volcano. It has twice as many Michelin stars as Paris (Paris!). It has 5.5 million vending machines (one every twelve metres) selling everything from fish broth to umbrellas. To misquote Samuel Johnson, if you’re bored in Tokyo, that’s on you. So yep, Tanaka takes the crown here. Maybe he can put the trophy next to his player of the season award?

Other contenders for this gong were obviously new man Josuha Guilavogui, who hails from the south of France (more nice scouting trips we have to assume), Largie Ramazani (Brussels) and Max Wöber (Vienna).

Josuha’s hometown isn’t by the sea and I don’t like really hot weather anyway, so he lost out. I’ve been to Brussels twice and am quite a big fan — there’s plenty of beer and plenty of places to drink it — but I was also very nearly mugged there. And as for Vienna, I went once on a Sunday and absolutely everything was closed so… sorry, Max. ⬢